When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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