The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
