the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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