my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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