are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
