I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
