my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
