Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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