so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
