the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
