So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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