Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
wow bdsm is so cute
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
