how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
