my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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