I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
