I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
