How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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