i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she told me i tasted like america
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
