Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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