i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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