He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
