how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i love accidental penises.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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