I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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