My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I am mentally ready for anal.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
