Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
