I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
