It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
