You're so nebulous sometimes
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
