She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
