I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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