you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
