life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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