take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
