i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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