Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
