I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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