Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
