He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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