I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
