new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
