i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
