i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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