I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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