He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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