i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
