You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
