so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
