I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize