That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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