I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I could make wine with my vomit
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
