i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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