I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
