i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
