I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
