it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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