I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
